Sir Michael Wilshaw, Head of Mossbourne Academy circa 1949
I murdered Sir Michael Wilshaw on the canal-bed of the Regent's Canal on Saturday. I shot the Sheriff of Hackney Skools. It was a mercy killing. I did it for the future generations of Hackney yoof. Our only hope for revolution - enquiring, rebellious, full of passion & anger & hatred & disdain...that bastard was in the front-line of an all-out assault - putting the young working-class to the sword, by rote! So I caved his head in. This mediocrity, this bully, this over-paid authoritarian tin-pot dictator, the Michael Caine of pedagogy, had been given his head as Chief Head and now his head is a dilapidated mess. Another bit of lost Hackney heritage in the depths of the alluvial navigation...
The Sun. World Exclusive!
HEADMASTER Sir Michael Wilshaw swings open a classroom door and 30 smartly dressed pupils stand to attention.
“Good morning, Sir,” they say in perfect unison, before launching into a mantra which marks the start of every lesson.
“I aspire to maintain an enquiring mind, a calm disposition and an attentive ear so that in this class and in all classes I can fulfil my true potential.”
It is one of a series of strict rituals which must be observed every day at the Mossbourne Community Academy.
Others include: No mobile phones, no MP3 players, no gum chewing, no rudeness, no lateness and no bullying.
Children must also raise hands before asking questions, address teachers as Miss or Sir and form orderly lines at the end of each break time. Failure to comply invokes a range of strict sanctions including Saturday detentions. The ethos of zero tolerance and extreme respect has helped to transform the school in Hackney, East London – one of the capital’s most deprived boroughs – into a centre of excellence. Now Tory leader David Cameron is keen to learn lessons from the school, which educates 800 pupils aged 11 to 15.
(Inset) Keen ... happy pupils at Mossbourne...
He recently chose Mossbourne Community Academy to launch a manifesto to free schools from “a bog of low expectations” and bring back a culture of respect to classrooms. Sir Michael, who was knighted for services to education in 2000, says the secret of the school’s success is straightforward.
He says: “You can’t do anything without good behaviour because some children in areas such as this come from unstructured homes. Fifty per cent of our children are entitled to free school meals and 34 per cent are on the special needs register.We have children who live on estates with one parent, little money, no employment in the family and they are exposed to violence and gangs. Although their lives at home might be difficult, when they come here they feel safe because we create a disciplined environment for them. It’s a formal, traditional structure but it liberates children who otherwise get trapped in chaos. When they step over the boundaries clear sanctions are applied. If a child is cheeky to a teacher they may be required to stay behind until 6pm or even come in on Saturday morning. The rules are made clear to pupils and parents and they accept them. But, equally, there is lots of praise for children who do well.”
Sir Michael, a highly respected teacher of 40 years’ experience, has earned a reputation for turning tough schools around. In 2004 he was chosen to launch Mossbourne Community Academy – one of Labour’s flagship academy schools. Academies are free from local education authority control and private sponsors give a maximum of £2million in return for a large degree of control over the school’s curriculum, ethos and staffing.
Sir Michael says: “The new school was built on the site of the old Hackney Downs School, which was closed down and demolished in 1995 after being dubbed the worst school in Britain."
Hackney Downs
Just before its closure, over 70 percent of the boys spoke English as a second language, half came from households with no-one in employment, and half the intake had reading ages three years below average. Things came to a head in the 1990s, when the school made national news by being described by the then Conservative government as the 'worst school in Britain'. Eventually, as a result of direct government pressure, the school was forced to close in 1995.
The decision remains controversial to this day, opponents of the closure pointing out that Hackney Downs was singled out for special treatment by the government, and that its academic results were not significantly worse than many other inner-city comprehensives, especially considering the problems it had inherited, including the steady 'decanting' of problem pupils—who had frequently been expelled from their original schools—to Hackney Downs. Ironically, this process may have started because of the school's good reputation.
Notable alumni
* Steven Berkoff, actor, playwright, director
* John Bloom, 60s tycoon
* Eric Bristow, World Champion Darts Player
* Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, Jr.), CBE, actor (attended in 1944-1945, when he was evacuated to King's Lynn during World War II)
* Cyril Domb, physicist
* Abram Games, graphic designer
* Dalton Grant, high jumper
* Jerry Pam, Hollywood Agent and Member of the Finance Committee of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences; publicist of Sir Michael Caine[2]
* Maurice Peston, Baron Peston of Mile End, English economist
* Harold Pinter, CBE, CH, and 2005 Nobel Laureate (attended from 1944 to 1948; evacuated to Cornwall during World War Two)
* Lt. Col. F. J. Roberts, editor of the 'Wipers Times'
* Norman Rose, biographer of Sir Winston Churchill
* Barry Supple, Emeritus Professor of Economic History, University of Cambridge, and a former Director of the Leverhulme Trust (attended from 1942 to 1949)
* Sir Stanley Burnton, Lord Justice of Appeal and Fellow of St. Edmund Hall, Oxford
* Roland Camberton, Writer
* Alexander Baron, Writer
* Ivor Compton, founder of the Hall of Cards chain which later merged with Hallmark Cards.
Except...rumours have begun to reach me...that oh no...The Learning Trust, in anticipation of assassination attempts on Sir Michaels life, have been accepting 'resting' actors from nearby Working Links, a wonderfully run commercial tight ship/pedalo oar of the UKplc's New Deal New-Seekers programme - 'We want to teach the world to skivvy in perfect harmony!' & r offering free prosthetic Sir Michael jowls fitted at no extra cost, apart from 2 weeks dole + elocution lessons from Jamie Oliver's avatar tongue in a skip @ Sainsbury's. They've have been fanned out all over the borough as political decoys, counterfeits to Sir Michael Wilshaw, taking the bullet for the great man for £64.73p a week - deductions on a strictly non-profit zero tolerance commercial basis:
Perhaps the most famous political decoy, soldier M.E. Clifton James successfully impersonated General Bernard Montgomery ("Monty") for intelligence purposes during World War II .In 1940, James acted in an Army production called When Knights Were Bold and his photograph appeared in an Army newspaper with a remark about how much he resembled General Montgomery. As a result, he was approached by actor David Niven in May 1944. Niven, then a Colonel in the Army Kinematograph Section, told James he was wanted to impersonate "Monty", as this would allow Montgomery to be somewhere else, so confusing the Germans.James had to learn Montgomery's gestures, mannerisms, gait and voice and had to give up smoking. Because James had lost his right-hand middle finger in the First World War, a realistic replacement was made. Even his wife had to be deceived and was both kept in the dark and sent back to Leicester. Once he was trained, his trip as "Monty" was to Gibraltar and from there to Algiers. "Monty's" presence succeeded in confusing the Germans in regard to the invasion plans. James was later the subject of a biopic called I Was Monty's Double starring James himself in (of course) the double role as Monty and himself.
So it's possible the man who's head I smashed & pummelled like an old pumpkin into a million dessicated pieces into the Hackney briny, was not that jumped-up bully boy Wilshaw!
~~~~~~~
I grow more alarmed by the moment that Sir Michael Wilshaw is still alive and that I have brutally butchered a feckless, doley-scum, ne'er-do-well, who no-one will miss and was taking up to much precious carbon! Especially after this video arrived via another anonymous floppy disk secreted I know not how in my undercrackers as I went out (incognito, fearing a dragnet) promenading up & down Broadway this morning...It had this inscribed in blood on the back of a 'Vote Boff 4 Major!' corrupted sticker.Communique #1. The Angry Brigade #2.
£0 Reward offered for the first person to reveal details of where Sir Michael Wilshaw lives.
Stacking. Beans & Toms. Or mushy peas. Or Alphabetti Spaghetti. Orelse.
All that Stacking's making me itch!
